The Insane Adventures of Wormtail and Babymort
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: A series of one-shots about Wormtail and the Dark Lord, still in his grotesque baby form. Turns out they had some pretty insane adventures before that fateful night in the graveyard! OOC behavior...no, really.
1. Strolling in the Park

**A/N: Yes, I know none of this could ever happen in canon.... But if it actually made sense...well, where would be the fun in that? lol Hope you enjoy it!**

It was a beautifully sunny spring day in the park; the trees were a lush green, and flowers bloomed all about the stone walkway where people strode by leisurely. Children laughed as they frolicked around in the grass, while their mothers looked on, smiling.

But something quite unusual was soon to come. Just entering the park was a short, stout little man with thin, graying hair and small beady eyes; he was pushing in front of him a tiny blue baby carriage. Now, this may not seem like such an abnormal occurrence, but it was what was _in_ the carriage that made it so.

"Aww," crooned an older woman, approaching the carriage, "what a grotesque little baby-like form of a man! What's your name, little guy?"

"Wormtail, this woman is bothering me!" said the baby-like creature. "Lord Voldemort does not like to be bothered!"

"Y-yes, Master…," said the stout little man, now looking terrified. "Ma'am, could…could you please, um…refrain from bothering the Dark Lord?"

The woman looked shocked and confused at this statement, but decided it best to just back away rather than pursue the matter further. Wormtail continued to push the carriage down the pathway.

"Tell me again, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "_why_ you thought it necessary to drag me to this accursed Muggle place?"

"I…I just thought you could do with some…er, fresh air. Y'know…get out a bit."

"Riiiiiiiiight…because I've only been wandering aimlessly through the forests of Albania, less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost, for…oh, about fourteen years now. Of _course_, now that I finally have something of a body back and a decent place of hiding, I need to 'get out a bit.'"

"…Point taken, My Lord. But after all you've been through…surely you must be quite stressed. Nothing like a peaceful stroll in the park to help you forget your problems, right?"

"HOW DARE YOU TELL _ME_, THE DARKEST OF LORDS, WHAT'S GOOD FOR _ME_? I THINK I KNOW WHAT—ooh, is that a butterfly? Catch it! Catch it for me, Wormtail! Quick! …Oh, blast, it flew away. I hate you, Wormtail!"

"Somebody's cranky…. Is it time to go nappy-bye?"

"But I'm not tiiiiiiirrrrrrrred…."

Wormtail chuckled. He had heard this statement quite often, and a nice, warm bottle of snake venom would put his Master to sleep every time….

As they strolled, Wormtail could hear the echoing sounds of children's laughter. There was a playground nearby. "Master, would you like to get out and play with the other kids?"

"No. The other kids suck!"

"Master…"

"I said I don't _want_ to, Wormtail!"

"They have a slide…."

"Ooh, do they now? I wanna slide, Wormtail! Put me on the slide!"

"OK, My Lord, but it looks like those two kids want to have a go first. Why don't we let them—"

"NO! SLIDE _NOW_!"

"B-but—"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"OK, OK, fine!"

"Yay."

So Wormtail removed his master from the tiny carriage; the small, scaly, slimy creature that was Voldemort was now in his arms, wearing a pair of blue plaid shorts and a little blue shirt with a felt dump truck on the front. Wormtail shivered a little as he beheld him, then lifted him up to place him on the slide; Voldemort was giggling with anticipation. But when he finally reached the top of the slide…

"TOO HIGH! TOO HIGH! GET ME DOWN! I COMMAND YOU!"

Wormtail sighed. "Would you rather swing, then, Master?"

"Ooh, yes! Do push me, Wormtail!"

"All right, but remember—you cannot let go of the swing, OK? You'll fall off if you do."

"I know, I know, just push me already!"

The Dark Lord giggled excitedly as Wormtail pushed him back and forth, back and forth on the swing. "Higher!" he commanded, holding on tight. And then... "Holy crap, Wormtail, look! It's that butterfly aga--"

He fell to the ground with a thud; he had let go of the swing to point at the pretty butterfly.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Wormtail sighed; he had been afraid of this. Frantically reaching inside his giant man-purse, he pulled out a package of Band-Aids and rushed to his Master's side. "Are you OK, My Lord?"

"I…want…my…mommy.... Oh, right…dead."

"It's OK, Master, you just have one little scratch there. I'll just put a Band-Aid on it, and..."

"A Backyardigans Band-Aid?"

"Yes, My Lord...."

"Yay."

Wormtail took out a bandage and placed it on Voldemort's scratch; it wasn't even bleeding. "There you go...now run along and play."

Voldemort skipped away happily, ready to show off his pimpin' new Backyardigans Band-Aid to all the inferior Muggle children.

Wormtail sat down on a nearby park bench and sighed with relief, for he finally had a moment to himself.

"Such a cute age," said a middle-aged woman sitting next to them. "Mine is the one in the purple shirt. Are you here with your child?"

"That's him in the dump truck shirt, making a dirt pie."

The lady chuckled. "These are the moments to cherish, aren't they?"

Wormtail nodded. "Next thing you know they're grown-up killing machines, taking over the world with brute force and terror propaganda."

"Wormtail!" cried Voldemort suddenly. "That other little boy was mean to me!"

"Oh, Master, what happened?"

"He pushed me in the mud and called me a stupid-head poopy-face...."

"I'll go have a word with him."

"Oh, do kill him, Wormtail."

"We'll see."

"Aww...that always means no!"

"Little boy, could I have a word?" asked Wormtail. "It seems you have offended the Dark Lord. Now, first of all, I'm not going to hurt you unless—"

"Darn right you're not, you big ugly rat man!" said the bratty little boy.

"Now, really! I just want to talk—"

"Bite me!"

Wormtail took in a deep, cleansing breath. His fists were clenched. "Little boy, why don't you step behind this tree with me for a second so we can…talk."

"Fine." The boy walked away, and Wormtail followed, his wand at the ready to _Avada_ the little twerp as soon as they were out of sight. And then...

Voldemort watched as Wormtail ran out from behind the tree, looking absolutely terrified. "Kid got the wand! Kid got the wand!" he was shouting. "Don't ask me how it happened, but the freakin' kid got my wand!" A flash of green light shot past. "We have to Apparate! Now!"

He grabbed his master and turned on the spot, and they were gone. A wide grin spread across the bratty child's face; he was going to have some real fun with this thing.


	2. Lost in the Supermarket

A bell sounded as the front door to the local Buy -N- Leave supermarket swung open. In walked Wormtail, his left hand clenched tightly around the hand of the grotesque, toddler-sized form of Lord Voldemort. The Dark Lord was currently sporting a pair of baggy plaid shorts and a t-shirt with a dinosaur depicted on the front; the latest fashion for young tots.

"Wormtail, I wanna ride in the basket," said Voldemort.

"You're getting to be a big lord now, Master," replied Wormtail. "How would you like to walk beside me today?"

"Well, I _would_ very much like to be a big lord…. Alright, fine."

"OK, and if you're good, I'll find a Muggle for you to kill after we're done shopping."

"Yay! I'll be good, I promise!"

Wormtail grabbed a basket and began to push it, Voldemort skipping along beside him. He then reached in his pocket and removed a pen and a piece of paper; he slipped the pen behind his ear and began to study his shopping list. "Let's see…that would be on aisle one…and so would that there…" Voldemort tugged on his sleeve. "What is it, Master?"

Voldemort pointed to a display on his left, smiling hopefully.

Wormtail sighed. "You can have candy later, Master…we've got shopping to do…."

"Candy _now_!"

"Later…. Come on…."

Voldemort pouted, but followed Wormtail down aisle one. "Shopping is boring," he whined. "Are we done yet?"

"We just got here, Master…."

"Well, I don't like this. I wanna go home."

"Soon enough, Master...."

Voldemort continued to whine as Wormtail, taking his sweet time it seemed, began marking items off his list. He finally realized, as Wormtail compared the size of two watermelons, that he could take no more. So he simply walked away.

"Candy display, here I come!" he said as he raced up and down the aisles. "Now where was it again?"

Minutes passed, and still no candy display. "OK, OK…," panted the Dark Toddler, finally stopping to rest, "I can't lose my cool. I'm sure it's around here somewhere…."

It wasn't.

"Well, crap!" Frantic now, he began to run pointlessly around in circles screaming, "WORMTAIL! WORMTAIL!"

"Aw, what's wrong, little guy?" It was one of the market's employees, a dark-haired man with a friendly face.

"Who – who are you?" said Voldemort miserably, tears streaming down his grotesquely wrinkled face. "Stranger danger!"

"It's OK, little fella, I work here. My name is Greg. What's yours?"

"Vooooooldeeeeeemooooooort…," he replied in one long, pitiful wail.

"That's an…interesting name. Are you lost?"

"What's it to you, you stupid Muggle?"

"I can help you find your Mommy if you'd like."

Voldemort gave a little sniffle. "Wormy…," he squeaked.

"Er…OK, then, I will call your 'Wormy' to the front of the store using the speaker system." He reached out his hand and smiled. "Come along."

"Leave me alone, you pervert!" sobbed Voldemort, sniffling again.

"I've got candy…."

And that was all it took. As soon as the word "candy" was uttered, Voldemort instantly perked up and his crying ceased. "Oooh, you don't say! Lead the way, then, Greg ol' buddy!"

Greg led the way, Voldemort following close behind. When they reached the front of the store, Greg picked up a microphone and turned to the hideous tot beside him.

"Now, what was your mommy's name again?"

"Wormtail," said Voldemort with a creepy smile.

"Er…right." Greg spoke into the microphone. "Will Wormtail please come to the front of the store? Your little boy is waiting for you." His voice echoed throughout the supermarket.

"Dude!" said Voldemort. "That is so cool! Let me try!" He grabbed the mic from Greg's hand and, before Greg could stop him, spoke into it with his most menacing voice, "_You have until midnight, Potter. One hour."_ Giggling, he returned the microphone. "Wow, I just made that up on the spot! Pretty scary, right? That was freaking awesome, Greg! I have _got_ to learn a spell for that…. Who knows, it may come in handy some day…."

Greg sighed. "Here's your candy, then…. Just sit down and eat it quietly, OK?"

"Right-o, Greg-ster!"

Less than two minutes later, Wormtail came dashing past the checkout counters. "Oh, Master, I was so worried! Are you all right?"

"Clearly! I've got a lolly!" He held up the half-eaten lollipop for Wormtail to see. "Look, but don't touch. It's _mine_!"

Wormtail gave an exasperated sigh. "Sir, I can't thank you enough. I'm sorry he gave you so much trouble."

"Trouble?" said Voldemort, shocked. "Naaahhh...Greg and I are cool, aren't we, Greg?"

Greg chuckled. "Cute kid."

"Uh…yeah." With one last awkward smile at Greg, Wormtail took his little master's hand and walked away.

Voldemort tugged on his sleeve. "Hey, Wormtail? Hey, Wormtail? Hey, Wormtail? Hey, Wormtail?"

"_What_, Master?"

"Can you find me a Muggle to kill now?"

"I said I would if you were _good_, Master…."

"I've been good."

"You ran away from me, My Lord."

"Yes, but besides that I've been _awesome_! Come on, Wormtail, can I kill a Muggle please? We can make it an easy target. How 'bout Greg? Can I kill Greg?"

"We'll see…."

"Ooh, and I want candy. Can we get candy?"

"Maybe when I'm done shopping…."

"Are you done now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

How poor Wormy managed to finish his shopping that day without going completely insane remains a mystery; Voldemort's senseless chattering, of course, did not stop until he was safely at home with a chocolate bar in his hand and a dead Greg on the floor.


End file.
